In October 2014, I woke up and couldn’t get out of bed. I lay there in pain not able to comprehend what was going on. It felt like I had been hit by a truck.
After about an hour, I was able to force myself to get out of bed. Little did I know, I had just experienced the beginning of my life changing drastically.
I tried to keep going no matter what because of my children. They needed me. So I pressed on hoping things would get better.
Unfortunately, they didn’t. Many days, I would have to ask my children to help me get out of bed. This was the devastating part… I was so used to doing things on my own and I really needed help.
After all the years of investing in my education, I felt like things were beginning to unravel. My goals…my dreams…my purpose… I didn’t have time to be sick!
Multiple doctor visits left me without a definite diagnosis. Was it Lupus? Was it another auto-immune disease? Was it Fibromyalgia? What about Rheumatoid Arthritis? I have yet to find out.
According to my doctors, a rheumatologist specialist would be the one to confirm my diagnosis and getting an appointment would take months. Months of prescriptions that made me feel drugged all the time. Thus, the change in doctors so I would be able to work.
After experiencing a pregnancy loss and the blindness of one eye in the past, I was angry because I didn’t want to be dependent again. I wanted my old self back. I wanted a quick fix. I needed a magic pill to take the pain away. I hated limits and asking for help. I wanted to be free.
It was just the other day during an almost unbearable flare that I asked myself, “Am I dying?” My body ached all over. I was weak. It wasn’t like anything I’d ever experienced in my life.
I pondered this question briefly. Then, I laughed through tears as I realized what I’d inquired.
The truth was more than I had previously comprehended… we are ALL dying daily. It’s only a matter of time before the inevitable occurs. There’s no stopping it. There’s no slowing it down.
I can remember briefly having a moment. I finally broke down and admitted that I needed God’s help with this because it wasn’t going away. I was frustrated. I had a pity party that was long overdue.
The longer I stayed on my knees, the better I felt. I needed to cry. I needed to express my emotions. Yes, I pray all the time, but that day was different. My soul needed a conversation with Him.
Needless to say, my eyes were swollen the next day, but more importantly, my burden felt lighter.
Looking back, the question should’ve been, “Have I lived?”
No matter what I’ve experienced or suffered, I still have hopes, promises and dreams that MUST manifest in my lifetime.
Strange, but true… this illness has given me time to get to know myself. I’m more observant than before. I pay more attention to the things I do and say. I see people differently. My personal relationship with God is stronger than ever before.
My question for you today is, “Are you living?”
I don’t know what the future holds. Yes, I’ve prayed and claimed my healing. But in the meantime, I intend to adjust with the help of God and live my life to the fullest.
Laced with Love,
For out more information on Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, etc., visit https://www.rheumatology.org. Share your testimony on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook using Hashtag CROSSYOURREDSEA.